Photo Details: “9-Seconds, v.4, Edit B”
9-Seconds, v.4, Edit B, Special Effects Photo, Copyright Nawfal Johnson Nur.
It is 5:20am, and I have not, even nearly, gotten enough sleep – can’t sleep properly – too much swimming around in my head. Read on to hear the ramblings of a tired photographer.
Not that it matters, probably, to very many people, the thought of entering the hospital for anything can cause some amount of anxiety. No matter how small the need to go to the hospital, there is some anxiety about it. I could be, possibly, perhaps, and even perchance, be wrong, maybe this is something that matters to a lot of people.
How ironic that the less sleep you get, the more anxious you become, and the more anxious you get, the less sleep you get. At least, that is how I operate.
And, what happens, if I press this ‘barcode’ button?
Nothing, nothing happens. That frustrates me considerably. A button that does nothing. It’s like when you stand at the traffic crossing, you push the “Pedestrian Cross Walk Button” – the one that stops the traffic – I mean, the one that is supposed to work and stop the traffic. These things don’t really work, come on now, if you press that thing, it takes as long to stop the oncoming traffic as if you never pressed the damned button in the first place. In fact, if you take a screwdriver to that thing, I bet there is nothing in there, no wires, nada, zilch, nothing. It’s just a button – a “Psychological Button” to play with your mind. The powers-that-be just put those buttons on the light pole to screw around with pedestrians’ minds, giving them the hope that they can cross the road faster than usual. It is a sick game to say the least.
That was just a random thought – I am not angry about this little irritation!
Photo Details: “RAGE, v.8, Edit D”. Self-Portrait, 2008. One day, I was thinking that how some emotions are over looked in photography, probably because they are uncomfortable to confront. You can see multitudes of good, happy, fluffy, beautiful, “hot”, sexy, photographs on the Internet. When you think of a self-portrait, you don’t really think in turns of the “negative” emotions as the ones you want to “wear” while getting your photograph taken. It is easy to smile at the camera, or simply stand, sit or lay down without emotion and have your picture taken. However, to reach the highest of lows – RAGE – is the ultimate self-portrait challenge. It is not easy getting yourself into a rage and take your own photograph at the same time. The depths of all depths of pain and anger need to come forth, out through your pores, to express real-rage. This was, by all measures, the most difficult photograph I had to prepare myself for emotionally – ever. This was also the most unusual photograph I had to act for, as I am not very often, angry. I am quite patient and quiet most of the time. This made my preparation for this photograph all that much thornier. Sometimes, a photograph is created that no one is likely to like, but it does not mean it is not real and emotional. If a photograph is uncomfortable, then the photographer probably has done his or her job and provoked an emotional response from the viewer. Of course, happy, funny, sexy and ‘hot’ photographs also provoke certain emotional responses, but of a much more different kind. I guess in this instance, I wanted to concentrate on the less focused on emotion of extreme anger – RAGE. Why? Why not. Why not investigate the uncomfortable, from time to time? I would suppose that if all my photography was happy-happy, ‘normal’ type shots, then I would get very bored with my work, very quickly.
An exploration of RAGE, "RAGE, v.8, Edit D," A Self-portrait, taken in 2008.
Conceivably, I am not thinking properly, not yet at least. Not enough coffee in my bloodstream yet.
Let’s get back to the topic of this post. What I have learned from the “Treat every today as if tomorrow you will be in the hospital” thinking, is that today, and many days prior to today, my “To Do” list took on a completely new urgency. I’ve accomplished a whole mess-load of stuff that I have been putting off, or dragging my feet about. It is like a miracle all on its own!
Photo Details: Abstract Rain, v.19″
I would say that I’m feeling more than a little abstract this morning, and it has been a long morning already.
Thoughts of going to the hospital tomorrow have entered my mind throughout this past week. Why I am going is, and it isn’t, a mystery to me. I will be getting an MRI done on my left thigh because there is something wrong with my rectus femoris muscle. There is a BIG lump inside, or under, this muscle.
The MRI will show more clearly, what the problem is with this muscle. However, preliminary indications have pointed in all sorts of directions. One doctor told me that it looks like it could be a lymphoma! Another doctor said that it could be a lipoma. Moreover, a Radiologist thought that the Ultrasound was showing many vascular malformations in the muscle. Therefore, the MRI is necessary.
I’ll be in the hospital for one day, for sure. If my Orthopedic Surgeon wants to remove, and or, fix any of these possible issues, then I could be in the hospital longer.
I am happy that I have gotten quite a few chores done that have been on my “To-Do” list. It really should not take impending hospital visits to get me moving faster on tasks, but it seems to have worked this time.
Please wish me luck. God-Willing I’ll be back to tell you the rest of this story.
